about my mind not my heart

 It felt normal, maybe because I was used to it.

 I don't like them, coming here every night until late at night as a nuisance

 After seeing what happened today, I don't think I will be able to believe in love in the real world, I will only believe in it in my imagination.

 Consumptiveness can also be seen from people who want something even though it is not a priority at that time, money that should be used for priorities is instead used for desires.

 It's strange, if they objected from the start, why didn't anyone speak up and continue to obey the detrimental system without resistance?

 What I expect in a relationship is still equality, even though I like older men, but he still has to respect me even though I'm much younger than him. I don't mind treating you like a king, when you treat me like your Queen too.

 Just because I left him when I had insomnia I thought my insomnia was karma but it wasn't!

 I'm only 18, but I've heard "just save money to get married" the fate of life in the village, where people still think it's normal for women to graduate from school to get married straight away.  But in my opinion, it's a shame to get married in your late teens or early 20s, when you should be busy finding your identity instead you're busy supporting your wife or serving your husband. 

 I just need time, I don't need to rush, everything will get better. 

 I don't know what I'm going to write next, that's all, bye

 It's time for me to let it all go, at this moment it's slowly destroying me, I won't talk about it anymore, I won't make a problem of it anymore, It doesn't mean that I don't care anymore, but it feels like the more I care and the more I try to fix it, the more it destroys me.  Maybe it's because of the pressure I put on myself. I'm just going to let things flow now. Maybe it's better for something that's out of my control.

 Even though I'm the victim, why is it that I find it hard to forget and always remember him?

 It turns out that being a woman is quite complicated, One of the proofs is that if you want to be consistent, WO must be adjusted to your hormones.

 It's okay to be different from everyone to maintain principles, that's good. It means you have a stand and don't get carried away.

 I feel so comfortable like this, no hurt, no feeling of anger, crying and anxiety, it's so calming, I want to stay like this forever.

 I never worry about sleep anymore, it's okay if I can't sleep, it will open up opportunities for me to sleep better the following nights and instead of not sleeping for 32 hours, I know I can go through my day like normal because I've been through something really bad but still survived.

 Why do poor people mostly choose noodles as a side dish for their rice? Even though tempeh and eggs are also much cheaper and more nutritious than noodles with rice?

 I've been working out for over a year now, but I just found out about deload weeks and just started implementing them now.

 The first time I experienced terrible insomnia, I was awake for 32 hours without sleep until finally my body gave in to fatigue and overwhelm. 

Sometimes I want to blame the situation but it's useless and nothing will fix the situation.

 Maybe what I'm doing here still looks weird, but I don't care what people say, I just let it be and smile.

 It's been more than a year since I've been able to work out consistently, and I remember the first reason was because my teacher said that at this stage growth might only occur sideways or forwards, I don't want that.

 I can only be grateful that I didn't get into it any further and realized it so early. 

 I want to live not just to exist. I want to grow, learn, and if I ever choose to become a parent, I will make sure my intention is: to be a good parent, not just giving birth to children.

 I don't rush into trusting anyone. I won't get close to any guy, even my ideal type, until I feel completely safe. I'm not starved for affection, I just don't want to be hurt anymore.

 I almost gave my heart to the wrong person. Not because I was weak, but because I wanted to be loved. Now I know that healthy love is not demeaning, controlling, or make me lose my identity

 I realized that my existence is not determined by the recognition of others—not even my own family. Even if I am not considered important, I still have value. The absence of photos, attention, or stares, will never be able to erase who I really am.

 I have long since learned to make peace with solitude. My little room is not just a place, but a safe space where I can cry, think, and heal. Solitude is not my enemy, but a friend who is always there and loyal

I can depend on myself for everything. Not because I don't want help, but because I don't want to depend on empty hopes anymore. I am strong not because I am not fragile, but because I choose to stand still even though I am fragile

 I don't know what to say, it's too hard to express

 As a woman, I am faced with the challenge of balancing my heart and head. But I believe, I am able to learn to be strong without losing my senses, to be rational without ignoring my emotions.