about my mind not my heart

 I feel like I just found someone who is actually me, but the male version.

 I hope that next year, going through a special month, you are still there, so please grant it and continue to be with me.

 Before he was there, my motivation to go to that place was already there, and his presence increased my motivation, but if he disappears my motivation is still there, but I hope he doesn't leave.

 As long as I'm here, I feel like I will never feel okay. How can someone feel safe and okay when living in a country that doesn't guarantee a bright future?

 I asked how could people who have never met or even seen each other's faces love each other? Some say that it is because of fate, there is a thread of destiny on the finger that unites two people. That's possible, right?

 They can survive and dare to live in poverty, but cannot control their lust, and decide to marry in poverty and confidently pass on that poverty to their children.

 I actually really don't like it when someone complains to me, but if he does, for some reason I always want to hear about his feelings, especially if I've had a hard day I want him to run to me and lean on me

 It turns out that there is no such thing as too busy if we are someone's priority. I mean, no matter how busy we are, if we are important, people will definitely take the time to keep in touch with us.

 He always said I can't say good things to you when I'm complaining to him, even though I've said many times that just listening is enough for me.

 When talking about the goodness of others there is no need to add "unfortunately he is also like that, unfortunately she is also like this", Then? What do you expect? Perfect goodness? That's impossible, we're all human like that, we have flaws!

 News about corruption has reached Japan and has become a hot topic there, I want to run away from this rat-infested country.

 I've really been lazy and lost my motivation to write something good or anything, I write here just to maintain my writing rhythm, that's all.

 I have no inspiration on what to write today, I'm sleepy and want to sleep, so this is all.

 Today I told someone older than me not to say that his life is boring, he should have little things that he likes, so that a purpose will arise from it and make his life not boring anymore

 I will face everything but math? I will die facing it, I really don't like it, one of the things I'm grateful for when I graduate from high school is that there will be no more math tests, this is my last math test!

 I don't know what to say, today was a surprise that I don't even know whether it was serious or a joke.

 These past two days I've always accidentally jumped to conclusions about someone's slightly changed attitude towards me, and unfortunately I assumed and concluded bad things. Even though the situation is not like that, it could be that he has changed a little because there is a problem or maybe he is tired and needs space to be alone.

 I want to prove that not all girls will turn stupid after they start liking boys, I want to prove that not all women will be blind just because they like a boy, I want to show that there are still girl who use logic as well as emotion, I don't want to be a stupid girl because of stupid things.

 I almost forgot to write again here, lately my focus has been more on other things, this is often forgotten, I'm afraid that I'll really forget and not write it here.

What a beautiful coincidence, coming into my life three days after I turned 18, is this the universe's way of saying that it's had enough of being alone and giving me a shoulder to lean on?

 It's really annoying when we hang out and all we do is talk about other people's bad things, and claim that other people are toxic without wanting to see what we ourselves are like for other people!

 I used to think that my communication was really bad, but today I proved that all of that was not entirely true, whether I wanted it or not, whether my communication is good or not depends on who I'm talking to, If I am really interested in having a relationship with that person, I will try my best to start a conversation and find a topic of conversation if that is the person I want to communicate with. If not, well... I don't care, I don't care.

 I'm used to not getting attention in romantic relationships, need to be locked up every time I like someone it always ends in sadness. But this time it's different, it feels strange I usually never get words of encouragement greeting in the morning or evening, but this time i have all of that and it feels weird but on the other hand i also like this feeling.

 I actually almost forgot to write here today, okay... To make it short, I just want to say about my feelings that I always feel during every exam, I don't like teachers who give questions that don't match the guidelines, I'm also lazy about studying lessons where the teacher rarely comes in, like, bro... the teacher rarely comes in and rarely gives what material to study, It turns out that having no material for the exam is more confusing than having a lot of material.

 To be honest, my motivation to consistently write here has disappeared, but I still do it because it's a habit, it's like when I implemented exercise into my life, writing here even though I have no motivation, no inspiration, confused about what I will write, it seems like I will still write here, because this is not only driven by motivation not only to achieve goals but also about discipline and the commitment that I made that I have to write here every day.

 I once said openly that I didn't want to get married, but I said that if no foreign men from developed countries wanted me, I don't know why I feel it's better if I don't get married for the rest of my life than to marry a local man in this country, I don't know why I feel that way, and I also don't want my child to live and grow up in a country like this if I have a child.

 Just today, just this time, just this moment, I ask my Lord to give guidance to one of His creatures who is still lost, who has not yet found the right path. I am like this because I care and love him, so I ask my God to give me a pleasure that is truly more pleasurable than other pleasures. I do ask for guidance for the person I love, but as much as possible, if the guidance really reaches him, I want his heart to be sincere because of my God, not just because of me.

 When I see many people on strict diets, to the point where some eat very little and even worse, some don't eat at all, it makes me grateful to have a thin body. because of what? I don't need to do all that to get a skinny body because I already have one and it's natural. I am actually more grateful when people can't eat what they want just because they are afraid of gaining weight. while I don't need to be like that, because no matter how much food I eat I still have a flat stomach and a small waist.

 I am a woman who is cold towards men, even towards people I like, in the past I didn't even want to send a message first to the boy even though I liked him. It's been more than three years since I probably didn't have feelings for any man, maybe... But recently I met a hard-working, mature man who understands me, I can't and don't want to develop my feelings for him as more than friends, that's for now, I don't know what will happen later, maybe i will really fall in love with him? will the universe give him to me no matter what? I don't know, but for now, only towards him I'm not being as cold as I should be towards a man. Only one, only to him, Even though he and I haven't met yet, I don't even know if he's really serious, but I want him to be really serious, because he has made me open up to men, only him.

 Sebagai perempuan itu susah sekali ingin mendominasikan logika diatas emosional, ya.. tanpa disebutkan alasannya pasti sudah tahu, perempuan memang seperti itu.  Namun, mau bagaimana lagi menurutku untuk zaman sekarang perempuan harus bisa harus belajar supaya tidak terus diperbudak oleh emosional saja, tanpa memikirkan sesuatu itu logis dan rasionalnya, karena jika seorang perempuan terus seperti itu, dia sendiri yang rugi, ujung-ujungnya akan mudah  dimanfaatkan dan diperlakukan seenaknya

 Ini adalah salah satu dari banyaknya prinsip hidup yang menjadi pedomanku, dimana tindakan seseorang itu bicara lebih keras daripada hanya sebuah kata-kata semata, mulut bisa berbicara dengan manis tapi belum tentu bisa dibuktikan dengan aksi yang nyata dan terlihat oleh mata, jangan hanya percaya pada bualan lidah semata jika tidak ada bukti nyata dari aksi yang bisa dilihat dengan mata. Berbicara dengan manis mungkin bagus untuk penenang semata, namun tidak bisa cukup dipercaya tanpa ada aksi yang nyata, aksi yang nyata juga harus sinkron dengan perkataan yang sudah dikeluarkan, selain ada orang yang hanya berbicara saja ada juga orang yang tindakan dengan ucapannya tidak sinkron sama sekali. So.. action speaks louder than words, jika hanya baru mengenal orang dari ketikan saja sebenarnya kita belum cukup bisa menilai bagaimana niatan dari orang itu sampai kita benar-benar bisa menemuinya secara langsung.